All Request Day: A Libertarian President and a Badass Military

Several weeks ago, our good friend Bridget dropped by with a great request.  The request was a solid one for several reasons, one of which is because it puts me behind a desk at 1600 Pennsyltunia Avenue running the collective show that is the good ol' U.S. of A.  However, the heart of the request is something that Libertarian Party better figure out damn quickly if it has any chance in hell of becoming a viable 3rd party in the post-9/11 era:  how does a badass military jive with the values of the Libertarian Party?  More specifically, how would I go about building this badass military if I were king?

First of all, a badass military doesn't jive with the Libertarian values.  In fact, a big bad fighting force directly contravenes the party's core values.  I think this is a major reason Libertarians scare the shit out of people:  simply relying on a "free market" society isn't going to cure all of the world's evils.  It just isn't.  Not today, anyway.  But have no fear, for I have all the answers.

To put things into context, one needs to understand some of the things I would be doing after being sworn in as El Presidente.  Anyone holding a government job better put his or her resume together, because chances are you're going to be on the streets looking for work after I tear through the red tape with more fury than a daisy cutter being dropped over the mountains of Tora Bora.  (Inappropriate analogy, perhaps?  Oh that's right!  I don't give a shit!)  Basically how I would go about building one kickass military is pretty simple, in principle at least.  All it involves is cutting billions in useless government programs and diverting the oodles and oodles of excess funds to things we absolutely cannot live without, such as a badass military.  (9/11 people, come on, I know you remember.)  So here's the deal:

As I said, my first order of business is making the federal government a bare bones operation, as it should be.  Symbolic of my how serious I am about this idea, the first executive order I sign will be an order reducing the salary of the President of the United States by 50%, with strong words for those in Congress to do the same.  Moreover, any government program that isn't getting the job done or there is perceived waste, adios baby.  Gone.  Done.  You're fired.  You want specifics?  I got specifics coming out the yang.  Probably familiar with this entity called the IRS, particularly with April 15th right around the corner.  Gone.  Yeah, you heard me.  Gone.  That ridiculous thing we know as the federal income tax?  You got it.  Gonzo freakin' Grape.  In its place is a national sales tax on all goods and services.  (Those individuals and families whose earnings are below a certain threshold will receive an exemption from having to pay this tax as a means to limit the regressivity associated with a national sales tax.)  Oh and for all the attorneys who may read this and bitch and gripe about how "hard" and "difficult" it will be if their services are taxed and that they may "go under," I have a response to that:  waah waah waah.  Sack up and figure it out.  You'll make it.

That's just one example.  How much will this save on an annual basis?  I really have no idea, but I would think most would agree with me that the answer is somewhere in the range of "a whole freakin' lot."

War on Drugs.  Click on the link.  Look at the numbers.  Gone.  Done.  I'll stand on the front lawn of the White House buck naked waiving a white flag.  Could we be getting our asses handed to us any worse right now in "fighting" this asinine campaign?  Little Bobby and Suzy are gonna get their pot, folks.  They're also gonna huff aerosol cans of Pledge, roll ecstasy at raves, and do every goddamn thing in the world us big bad adults are telling them they shouldn't do.  So it's time to start thinking outside of the box on this one.  We're putting $40 billion (that's billion, with a 'B') down the shitter ever single year on this "war."  Just a complete waste if you ask me.  So when I'm running things, not only do we stop fighting this "war" and save $40 bill, but we legalize pot and completely erase those laws making it a crime to grow, distribute, or use the greens.  And see, my government is going to be smart.  We're going to get a piece of this gold cow.  We're going to set up government run commissaries or whatever you want to call them and we're going to compete on the private market.  Not only will we make a lot of dough, but what do you think this will do for the economies of those areas predominantly characterized by farmlands, specifically acres and acres of herbs as far as they eye can see?  (Hint:  jobs)  Instead of DEA agents jumping out of helicopters and hacking down plants with their machetes, local growers are going to be greeted by government officials with warm handshakes and empty trucks so we can load 'em up and ship them off to our distribution centers, which will be strategically located throughout the country.  So we're not simply just saving $40 billion each year, we're actually making billions more.  How many billions?  In a free market society, sky is the limit.

But all this money isn't going to go directly to my badass military.  Billions are going to go to schools so that young kids can be educated about the bad things in the world like drugs and STD's as opposed to simply telling them to "just say no."  Billions more will go to state-of-the-art rehabilitation facilities that will be built all over the country to help those with serious drug problems.  And, most importantly, billions will be used for border security - searching vehicles that cross the borders and boats that dock in our ports, all that stuff.

Here's the kicker:  privatizing the military.  Partially, anyway.  Why not?  If the government can subcontract jobs such as rebuilding Iraq's infrastructure and subcontracting just about any feasible job out there to private entities, why not military forces?  Obviously I need to think about this a whole lot more.  There have to be stringent guidelines about how these private militias would operate, and I was thinking this afternoon about the interplay of military law and private parties.  It might not matter anyway, because by the time W gets done at the helm there might not be anything left to bomb.

So there you have it.  Saving hundreds of billions in useless government programs that I will cut means we can use that money for other things, one of which will be to build a badass military.  We gotta have it in this day and age, there's no way around it.  With respect to how I would utilize this badass military, let me provide you an excerpt of my administration's stance on this issue:

The gravest danger our Nation faces lies at the crossroads of radicalism and technology.  Our enemies have openly declared that they are seeking weapons of mass destruction, and evidence indicates that they are doing so with determination. The United States will not allow these efforts to succeed.  We will build defenses against ballistic missiles and other means of delivery.  We will cooperate with other nations to deny, contain, and curtail our enemies’ efforts to acquire dangerous technologies. And, as a matter of common sense and self-defense, America will act against such emerging threats before they are fully formed.We cannot defend America and our friends by hoping for the best. So we must be prepared to defeat our enemies’ plans, using the best intelligence and proceeding with deliberation. History will judge harshly those who saw this coming danger but failed to act. In the new world we have entered, the only path to peace and security is the path of action.

The United States will stand beside any nation determined to build a better future by seeking the rewards of liberty for its people.  Free trade and free markets have proven their ability to lift whole societies out of poverty—so the United States will work with individual nations, entire regions, and the entire global trading community to build a world that trades in freedom and therefore grows in prosperity.

Sound familiar?  It should.  The above is an excerpt from a little thing called "The National Security Strategy of The United States of America," adopted in September, 2002.  A.K.A. - The Bush Doctrine.  The policy itself is sound, in my opinion, and I would adopt it in full.  It's shortfalls have been in how our current administration goes about implementing it.

Discuss.

Comments

[Melissa]

This rocks! I love it. Remind me to vote for you when the time comes.

[Melissa]

Just so you know, this is Misty. The link above is to my political blog, which you may also be interested in reading. I am excited that you linked me, I will do the same!

[folkgirl]

Slice in '06!
You're looking for a new gig right?

Closer to home there will be a VT Governor's race coming soon and a wide open mayoral race in Burlington, but you'd need to move across the line to the Queen City. Seriously, your position on the "greens" would go over pretty well in the Green Mountain State.

[bme]

Slice in '06 for what? If you meant '08, Slicey gonna hafta wait a couple of years. He'll only be 32 then, we'll need to wait til 2012 for him to meet the age requirement for Pres. But folkgirl may be on to something. There's lots of stepping stones on the way to the White House. I think Winooski's ripe for a shake-up. Fief of Slice?

[Rich]

HAHAHAHA- Yo Bridget. Without a doubt you may have provided the biggest and best laugh of my day. I told you I would get around to that post, and I hope I didn't disappoint. Although I was hoping to get a little more feedback from yourself and our pacifist folk singer as to my implementation of the Bush Doctrine. But you ladies love Bush, right?

Kidding. Kidding. I don't need to get my ass kicked.

Wow. 2012. At that time I may indeed have to run, especially if it means booting Hillary's ass out of the White House.

[bme]

I do intend to respond more to the substance of your post, but it will take a bit of time to digest. Folkgirl's comments were easier to process and reply to quickly. I'm serious, though. You could really move and shake here in Chittenden County if you've a mind for it. Get a little practice in before 2012. And just so you know, between you and Hillary, you'd get my vote.

[Rich]

This is shaping up nicely. Very nicely. I've got a half a dozen votes already. This is great. I'm already thinking of titles for my autobiography:

"Beers, Tears, and Cheers: One Man's Journey from Secretary of His Homeowners' Association to President of the United States"