All right, all right. I give in. I know it's been a long time but back by popular demand is the Slice of Life All Request Day. (Inspired by our dear friends and fellow dog lovers at Stay of Execution). You ask me a question, any question, and I fire up my 4 functioning brain cells and weave together a thought-provoking response, just for my readers. Inappropriate comments will be forwarded to the hot Bush daughter.
Vegetable Lasagna a.k.a. "J the dork" wants my thoughts on the upcoming PGA golf season, my favorite players, etc.
I'm a big Phil Mickelson fan. Have been for a while. When he's out on the course he customarily is grinning, and I like that. He's a solid family man. Appears to love his wife (um, sassy) and kids, and that is just swell.
But I am not a big PGA golf fan. I absolutely love the Ryder Cup, but that is only because of my love for team sports. I've been hearing a lot of criticism about professional golf these days. Basically that the equipment has become so good and so advanced, that it has almost over-revolutionized the game. Basically guys are just hitting the shit out of the ball, thus detracting from the game's finer points like chipping and putting.
I am realizing I don't have much to write about when it comes to pro golf. Shitty request, J. I expect more from a varsity letterman.
J wants to know what I think of the Honda Element, pictured below.
I think they are some of the ugliest pieces of shit on the road and Honda needs to stop wasting its time and money and stick to what it does best: producing economical vehicles that get superior gas milage compared to the overwhelming majority of vehicles on the road and will most likely crack 200,000 miles on the odometer without breaking a sweat. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I wouldn't let my grandmother be seen driving one of these cars.
The thing is, I have free reign to bash the Element as much as I want. Why? I'm a Honda guy. 100%. There is a reason there is a CR-V sitting in our garage and a Civic in the driveway. I'm of the belief that when you buy a Honda, you are making an investment. (I've even got the official Honda dealership flag hanging in my garage for chrissakes, as if the two vehicles themselves aren't enough to highlight my allegiance to the company. I'm weird like that.) The CR-V just turned 3 and has a whopping 21,000 miles on it. At this rate, it's going to hit about 100,000 miles after 15 years. One hundred thousand miles on a Honda is nothing. And with only 4 payments left on it, I'd like to think it can be kept around at least that long and what used to be the monthly car payment for this rig becomes pure gravy. Same deal with the Civic. It just turned 4 this month and is finally poddy trained. It has around 47,000 miles on it. For a Civic? Nothing but a chicken wing. I'm so looking forward to the day when that little weinermobile of mine hits 200,000 miles, and it's just a matter of when. If I keep waxing on and waxing off like I have been, these cars are going to be on the road for a while. For someone whose "dislikes" in my high school yearbook senior year included "anything made in Japan," I've come a long way.
Getting back to the Element. It is my understanding that the whole idea behind the Element was to appeal to the younger, cooler generation. You can see this in how Honda markets these pieces of crap. Young guys or gals, frolicking on the beach or running down mountains, taking a moment to grab something from their Element, laughing and smiling the entire time. Boy these cars look like fun! And I'll have the most attractive friends in the world, too, if I buy one!
Jeezus, Honda.
It is also my understanding that the Element, as well as the similarly modeled Scion, are a major flop sales-wise. Why? Because the vast majority of Gen X-ers comprising the younger, cooler generation think these cars are ugly pieces of shit and wouldn't be caught dead in one, let alone pack it full of our friends, stuff our surfboards or mountain bikes or whatever the hell else in the back of it and engage in some type of visible activity in public. Furthermore, take a look sometime at the people who are actually behind the wheels of these 2-tone boxmobiles. Sure, a younger person here and there, but I'd bet the majority of Element owners are the middle-aged, collar-up wearing, dorky males who simply don't have a fucking clue.
Hey Honda, listen. There's going to be a number of unsuspecting googlers curious about the Element that are directed here and will read my less-than flattering review of these bunk cars. Don't be pissed at me. Be pissed at the little monkeys you have working in your marketing department that somehow reached the conclusion that these cars would be a hot ticket. You're paying these people to come up with good ideas, and I'm sorry, but this one was shit. And for every rant I have about the Honda Element, I have 100 raves and comments of sincere praise for the CR-V and the Civic, as well as the Honda company in general.
Now about those Honda Ridgelines. . .
Let's get nutty in here. Hit me with something good and I promise you won't leave disappointed.
My melon anxiously awaits to be tapped. . .
Hit me.
Several weeks ago, our good friend Bridget dropped by with a great request. The request was a solid one for several reasons, one of which is because it puts me behind a desk at 1600 Pennsyltunia Avenue running the collective show that is the good ol' U.S. of A. However, the heart of the request is something that Libertarian Party better figure out damn quickly if it has any chance in hell of becoming a viable 3rd party in the post-9/11 era: how does a badass military jive with the values of the Libertarian Party? More specifically, how would I go about building this badass military if I were king?
First of all, a badass military doesn't jive with the Libertarian values. In fact, a big bad fighting force directly contravenes the party's core values. I think this is a major reason Libertarians scare the shit out of people: simply relying on a "free market" society isn't going to cure all of the world's evils. It just isn't. Not today, anyway. But have no fear, for I have all the answers.
To put things into context, one needs to understand some of the things I would be doing after being sworn in as El Presidente. Anyone holding a government job better put his or her resume together, because chances are you're going to be on the streets looking for work after I tear through the red tape with more fury than a daisy cutter being dropped over the mountains of Tora Bora. (Inappropriate analogy, perhaps? Oh that's right! I don't give a shit!) Basically how I would go about building one kickass military is pretty simple, in principle at least. All it involves is cutting billions in useless government programs and diverting the oodles and oodles of excess funds to things we absolutely cannot live without, such as a badass military. (9/11 people, come on, I know you remember.) So here's the deal:
As I said, my first order of business is making the federal government a bare bones operation, as it should be. Symbolic of my how serious I am about this idea, the first executive order I sign will be an order reducing the salary of the President of the United States by 50%, with strong words for those in Congress to do the same. Moreover, any government program that isn't getting the job done or there is perceived waste, adios baby. Gone. Done. You're fired. You want specifics? I got specifics coming out the yang. Probably familiar with this entity called the IRS, particularly with April 15th right around the corner. Gone. Yeah, you heard me. Gone. That ridiculous thing we know as the federal income tax? You got it. Gonzo freakin' Grape. In its place is a national sales tax on all goods and services. (Those individuals and families whose earnings are below a certain threshold will receive an exemption from having to pay this tax as a means to limit the regressivity associated with a national sales tax.) Oh and for all the attorneys who may read this and bitch and gripe about how "hard" and "difficult" it will be if their services are taxed and that they may "go under," I have a response to that: waah waah waah. Sack up and figure it out. You'll make it.
That's just one example. How much will this save on an annual basis? I really have no idea, but I would think most would agree with me that the answer is somewhere in the range of "a whole freakin' lot."
War on Drugs. Click on the link. Look at the numbers. Gone. Done. I'll stand on the front lawn of the White House buck naked waiving a white flag. Could we be getting our asses handed to us any worse right now in "fighting" this asinine campaign? Little Bobby and Suzy are gonna get their pot, folks. They're also gonna huff aerosol cans of Pledge, roll ecstasy at raves, and do every goddamn thing in the world us big bad adults are telling them they shouldn't do. So it's time to start thinking outside of the box on this one. We're putting $40 billion (that's billion, with a 'B') down the shitter ever single year on this "war." Just a complete waste if you ask me. So when I'm running things, not only do we stop fighting this "war" and save $40 bill, but we legalize pot and completely erase those laws making it a crime to grow, distribute, or use the greens. And see, my government is going to be smart. We're going to get a piece of this gold cow. We're going to set up government run commissaries or whatever you want to call them and we're going to compete on the private market. Not only will we make a lot of dough, but what do you think this will do for the economies of those areas predominantly characterized by farmlands, specifically acres and acres of herbs as far as they eye can see? (Hint: jobs) Instead of DEA agents jumping out of helicopters and hacking down plants with their machetes, local growers are going to be greeted by government officials with warm handshakes and empty trucks so we can load 'em up and ship them off to our distribution centers, which will be strategically located throughout the country. So we're not simply just saving $40 billion each year, we're actually making billions more. How many billions? In a free market society, sky is the limit.
But all this money isn't going to go directly to my badass military. Billions are going to go to schools so that young kids can be educated about the bad things in the world like drugs and STD's as opposed to simply telling them to "just say no." Billions more will go to state-of-the-art rehabilitation facilities that will be built all over the country to help those with serious drug problems. And, most importantly, billions will be used for border security - searching vehicles that cross the borders and boats that dock in our ports, all that stuff.
Here's the kicker: privatizing the military. Partially, anyway. Why not? If the government can subcontract jobs such as rebuilding Iraq's infrastructure and subcontracting just about any feasible job out there to private entities, why not military forces? Obviously I need to think about this a whole lot more. There have to be stringent guidelines about how these private militias would operate, and I was thinking this afternoon about the interplay of military law and private parties. It might not matter anyway, because by the time W gets done at the helm there might not be anything left to bomb.
So there you have it. Saving hundreds of billions in useless government programs that I will cut means we can use that money for other things, one of which will be to build a badass military. We gotta have it in this day and age, there's no way around it. With respect to how I would utilize this badass military, let me provide you an excerpt of my administration's stance on this issue:
The gravest danger our Nation faces lies at the crossroads of radicalism and technology. Our enemies have openly declared that they are seeking weapons of mass destruction, and evidence indicates that they are doing so with determination. The United States will not allow these efforts to succeed. We will build defenses against ballistic missiles and other means of delivery. We will cooperate with other nations to deny, contain, and curtail our enemies’ efforts to acquire dangerous technologies. And, as a matter of common sense and self-defense, America will act against such emerging threats before they are fully formed.We cannot defend America and our friends by hoping for the best. So we must be prepared to defeat our enemies’ plans, using the best intelligence and proceeding with deliberation. History will judge harshly those who saw this coming danger but failed to act. In the new world we have entered, the only path to peace and security is the path of action.
The United States will stand beside any nation determined to build a better future by seeking the rewards of liberty for its people. Free trade and free markets have proven their ability to lift whole societies out of poverty—so the United States will work with individual nations, entire regions, and the entire global trading community to build a world that trades in freedom and therefore grows in prosperity.
Sound familiar? It should. The above is an excerpt from a little thing called "The National Security Strategy of The United States of America," adopted in September, 2002. A.K.A. - The Bush Doctrine. The policy itself is sound, in my opinion, and I would adopt it in full. It's shortfalls have been in how our current administration goes about implementing it.
Discuss.
Let's do it. You know the drill by now. You come in hot, with a question or some random subject you want me to write about. I, in turn, navigate the endless depths of my melon and put together a post, just for you.
Bridget, I hope you are out there. Your request from over a month ago has been percolating in the hopper and it is time to give you what you asked for.
I am very excited, vulnerable, and I think happy. So come on over, come on over, baby. On days like today you can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me.
P.S. Vote for Pedro.
P.P.S. And it's true. Rock stars do always get the chicks. He he.
Alexandra stopped by recently, came in hot, and requested a little insight on what her special day, March 6th, is all about.
The Day of the Beauty Lovers
An irresistible attraction to beauty is central to the lives of March 6 people - less often an aggressively forceful or passionate attraction, but rather a subtly magnet one. March 6 people find themselves drawn toward certain people, situations, environments, music, drama and art that please their senses. They themselves often have attractive powers of their own which they may not fully realize. Easygoing March 6 people need to spend time getting to understand this power and how it can work from them if they wish to be more successful in their careers and progress in their personal development.
March 6 people may be going along peacefully in a certain direction when something or someone catches their eye, and though they may view this thing of beauty but for a brief instant, they cannot get the image out of their mind. Irresistibly they are drawn to it and before they know it they are caught. Perhaps this is due to their unconscious sensitivities or even psychic powers and the nature of romantic attraction and how it works. March 6 people tend to project their own series of internalized and idealized pictures out on the world, or at least an unconscious set of strong expectations. Especially when viewing that which strikes them as beautiful, they often do not see what is really there, but rather what they wish to see. Perhaps what they see reinforces and complements their internal needs. Thus they may, like Narcissus, be actually falling in love with their own reflection.
Many March 6 people are highly aesthetic creatures, willing to devote their lives and if necessary sacrifice themselves to their ideals. They themselves are capable of inspiring great admiration, even adoration in others. Such attraction might be called irrational were it not for the fact that if often satisfies concrete, objective concerns and needs.
For March 6 people, all forms of sensuous experience - textures, sounds, colors, smells and tastes - combine in a kind of bouquet which buoys their spirits but sometimes overwhelms them. Some born on this day may well become slaves to their desires and attractions, but for many March 6 people the purely sensual does not satisfy their need to adore and appreciate beauty. they need to do far more - to idealize the object of their affections, and once having done so, to share their life with it, perhaps even merge with it.
Unfortunately, disenchantment and disentanglement are two possible painful results when an initial ecstatic period of involvement has faded. For those born on March 6, learning to be objective in handling their attractions and attractiveness is key to their maintaining control over their lives and fulfilling their potential as human beings.
Strengths: aesthetic, attentive, devoted
Weaknesses: complacent, oversensuous, adrift
Meditation: Falling in love too easily and too often may in fact be an expression of disaffection with oneself
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
AJ wonders what a lot of people wonder about me, namely why on earth my "big 3" favorite sports teams are the Boston Celtics, New York Yankees, and now the Cincinnati Bengals.
The Boston Celtics are easy. How could anyone living in New England not like the C's growing up as a kid in the 1980s? That was the golden era for NBA hoops, and I was a Larry Bird fan. Those NBA finals were Magic and the Lakers would face off against Bird and the C's were priceless.
So how is it I root for the Yankees? I don't have concrete evidence on this one, just theories. The prevailing theory is that my mom's side of the family, all New Yorkers and all die-hard Yanks fans, got to me at an early age. I just always remember being a Yankees fan. And as much as people hate me on this one, I do indeed remember watching the World Series in 1978, when I was 2 or so. I do. My babysitter was hooking up with her boyfriend on the couch and I was plopped in front of the TV. I may have been brainwashed. But whatever the reason, thank god. I couldn't live with myself rooting for a perennial loser year in and year out as 99% of New Englanders do in cheering for the Bo Sox. 1918. (Damn, it really is different now.)
Football is actually a touching story. When I was in 3rd grade, I started playing flag football. I was a running back, loved running with the ball. Well I have another distinct memory of watching Super Bowl Whatever where the Los Angeles Raiders just smoked the Washington Redskins, 38-9, I believe. The MVP of that game was Raiders running back Marcus Allen. He just ran all over the world that day. Apparently I was just screaming like a madman every time he would touch the ball. The very next day at school I sat down and wrote him a letter, and I can still see my shaky penmanship:
Dear Marcus Allen,
I think you are the best football player in the world. I am a running back and I want to be just like you. I watched you in the Super Bowl and you were awesome. Someday I want to be a running back in the NFL just like you. My favorite team is the LOS ANGELES RAIDERS.
[Slice]
Well wouldn't you know it. About a month later I get this big envelope in the mail from the Los Angeles Raiders home base in El Segundo, California. I think there was a team photo by what just made me melt was a black and white print of Marcus Allen in action, with the following written in blue marker:
Richard,
Be the best.
/s/ Marcus Allen
And there you have it. From that point on, I loved the Los Angeles Raiders. Allen ended up getting traded to the Kansas City Chiefs towards the end of his career, and I guess my allegience was so strong to the Silver and Black that I just stuck with them. But my enthusiam for the team has wanted over the past few years. As a west coast team, I hardly ever get to see them play. And, they've sucked. I've been going to Jets games the past few years, and there is no better sporting atmosphere, in my opinion, than an NFL football tailgater. Nothing. Hands down the best party going on earth. It's just such a fun atmosphere. And, put 12 or so Miller Lites in me before 1:00 p.m. and I'm, um, happy. So I get into it. Big time. I get rowdy, I dress up in Jets colors and just go nuts during the game. Some of my most favorite times. (And the Jets are 3-0 with me in the stands.)
So a year or so ago I was really rooting for the Jets, but the Raiders were still my team. And I've been going to a Bengals game for the past 3 years, all good times as well.
Here is why I am required to be a Bengals fan now, and I am a believer in my calling. Two years ago the Bengals game I went to was when they played the Kansas City Chiefs. At that point in the season, the Bengals were 4-4 or something, and KC was 9-0. And so my buddy in Cincy arrive at the tailgater and he's got this rubbery foam Bengalhead that he asked me to wear. I didn't think twice. Nor did the Bengal paw mittens I wore bother me either. And the Bengals whooped KC's ass that day, and the joke was that it was because I came into town and ran around the parking lot and stadium wearing a Bengalhead.
Fast forward to this year. I got to the Bengals vs. Broncos Monday Night game in Cincy. First Monday night game in Cincy in something like 14 years. The Bengals are 1-4 and just blow. The Broncos are in first place and look tough. Everyone and their mother picked the Broncos to win. I show up, throw on the Bengalhead, and the Bengals just destroy the Broncos, 23-10. And now my legend is growing. People are starting to believe in the powers of the Bengalhead and what a visit from yours truly to Cincinnati for a game can do. So now I'm a Bengals fan, and I love it.
I'm a Celtics fan. Always have been. But the NBA just sucks. Absolutely sucks. With college hoops such a favorite sport of mine, I honestly can't stomach the pro game any longer. (Except when Little Brother scores the corporate box seats on a Friday evening and I can drink for free.)
But I'm happy that Antoine Walker is back with the squad. Honestly I thought it was one of the dumber moves Danny Ainge made after becoming GM when he got rid of him and picked up 3 or 4 bunk players. The best part is that Gary Payton is gone now. I could never stand him and it was hard to root for him this year. So yeah, I'm psyched he's back because I think him and Paul Pierce play beautifully together, but c'mon dude, NBA.
"The JOG" as my former college roommate refers to himself once in a while wants to know what I think about the situation with the Catholic Church and the Pope.
I don't. I'm hesitant to make any disparaging remarks about the Catholic Church, or organized religion in general for that matter, because I honestly think God is not too happy with me for filing lawsuits against the local Catholic Diocese. Really. He's gotta be pissed. (Although add it to the list, really.) I'm not a Catholic, but I understand he just can't resign and name a predecessor. He has to actually die. So, I guess what I think is that he should rent The Big Lebowski, buy some Skittles and hole up in the Vatican and wait to go to the promised land. Stop traveling. The last thing we need is him making some visit to Egypt or the West Bank or something ridiculous and he dies there and has religious fanatics up in arms and killing themselves.
Bobby Mercer: Quarterback Dad: A Play by Play Guide to Tackling Your New Baby
Tim Russert: Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons
Buster Olney: The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty: The Game, the Team, and the Cost of Greatness
The Best American Sports Writing 2004 (Best American Sports Writing)
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