Slice of Life

The Proof is in the Pudding

Sitting next to that beer station made me wonder what that place does in terms of alcohol sales on the weekend, just remarkable the number of tall brews those bartenders were turning out.

Goddammit Mother Fucker

Excuse my language, but I just got a speeding ticket for allegedly traveling 79 MPH in a 65 mile an hour zone.

Time to see if this ex-lawyer still has some court room skills.  I'm denying the charges, making sure the judicial bureau gets my signed copy on the very last day possible, and gonna let it ride in front of the judge.

Fucking cocksucker pig mother fucker bitch.

Percolating in the Hopper

I still can't fucking believe what happened tonight.  When the scenario was unfolding smack dab in the middle of my reality I do remember thinking, "100% bloggable."  Gorgeous.  Just gorgeous.

The skinny:  Condo Association "open meeting" where people were encouraged to gripe about the recent landscaping project, the upcoming paving project, and a host of other ridiculous items that stunned me as to how illogical and short-sited people can be.  Oh yeah and it ended in an argument where the crazy guy of the association just out of the blue started calling Wife a "mole" and being "buried" at our end of the Association and "not being involved."  (Although there was a wonderful roundabout discussion regarding whether certain yards are "theirs" or "yours" because technically its common area.  Anyway.)  With respect to the ending, let me just tell you this:  I have never in my life been this excited about a blog entry.  I have never in my life been this at one about the decision to throw shit right back in someone's face and markedly more insultingly.  Classic.  Fucking classic ass material here.

I'm starting off with some brainstorming as to possible titles.  Too much.  Just way too much material.  The short list:

1. Won't You be My Neighbor?
2. This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land
3. Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders
4. The Empire Strikes Back
5. Bitch Be Cool!
6. 'Yeah.  Well.  You're independently wealthy.'
7. Tips for Young Attorneys:  Why Documenting Shit That Happens is Good
8. It Got Weird, Didn't It
9. Apparently His Wife is a Miserable Twat Like We Maybe Thought
10. Ending on a High Note

You won't believe the high note I ended on.  Hollywood couldn't have done it better.  "You're a mole."  Unreal.

Still Got It

Wouldn't you know it, but a current UVM student happens to be the younger sibling of my college roommate freshman year.  That was 10 years ago.  Holy shit.  Please, let's slow this boat down a little bit.

Ten years ago I don't think I could have been a more miserable person to live with.  But I was the cleanest of my roommates, just the most inconsiderate.  So when I visited my UVM buddy this evening and he had to take the dog for a quick walk, I immediately went to the refrigerator, spotted a container with leftover mac and cheese (Kraft, too.  Mmmmm.), and took no time in putting it down the hatch.  And a couple bites of ice cream.

Pretty friggin' funny if you ask me.  I'm sure I'll tell him about it eventually.

Oh Boy Oh Boy

Somebody has an errand to run tomorrow night. . .

7.0% Alcohol Content (Eh Boy)

As AC/DC once asked, "Are you ready?"

1.  Reserve keg.

2.  Contact fire department.

3.  Request permission from Board for squirrelly parking in front of condo.

4.  Party favors?

5.  Get chimney cleaned ASAP. Cleaning scheduled for this Saturday, 9:30 a.m.

6.  Get upstairs toilet fixed ASAP.

Shed Mountain Ale.  Brewed in the hilltops of Vermont.  Goes down smooth and tickles your soul.

Damn, I should have gone into marketing.  Or been an event coordinator.  Stand-up comedy?  Oh wait, that's me in court.

It's nice getting all these mundane tasks done a week in advance so I can focus on more pressing matters such as figuring out a cool name for this party (so far the frontrunner is "Ranlafaf 12/11:  The Temperature at Which Couches Burn"), deciding what I'm going to wear and getting Wife to agree with me that in exchange for giving up late-night wrestling, a more safe and viable alternative would be to get some people on the roof and throw that spare computer monitor off and watch it break into a thousand pieces.  Now that's good entertainment.  Or maybe we'll sit around the fire and play Trivial Pursuit.  Damn, what a toss-up.

Okay, I'm tackling the leaky toilet tonight.  Here's to hoping that tonight's do-it-yourself session fares significantly better than the little operation I conducted last week.  The life of every piece of cheap furniture in my home depends on it.

End Unit Madness

He he he. . .

1.  Reserve keg.

2.  Contact fire department.

3.  Request permission from Board for squirrelly parking in front of condo.

4.  Party favors?

5.  Get chimney cleaned ASAP. Cleaning scheduled for this Saturday, 9:30 a.m.

6.  Get upstairs toilet fixed ASAP.

The President of our condo association just informed me that because he received no complaints about the parking situation for our "last gathering," my request for squirrelly parking next Saturday is approved.

"Gathering."  Um, sure.  Okay.  Whatever you want to call it, chief.

Come on Baby Light My Fire

Updated Party To Do List:

1.  Reserve keg.

2.  Contact fire department.

3.  Request permission from Board for squirrelly parking in front of condo.  Request submitted to President of Association via e-mail yesterday afternoon.

4.  Party favors?

5.  Get chimney cleaned ASAP.  Cleaning scheduled for this Saturday, 9:30 a.m.

6.  Get upstairs toilet fixed ASAP.

(All together now in a child-like mocking tone:  We're gonna have a fire, we're gonna have a fire, we're gonna have a fire. . .)

I have this feeling the cops are going to show up once the fire starts to rage.  Thus, I'm retaining the post-it note summarizing the telehpone conversation I had with a captain at the fire department yesterday.  Contained, clean wood, treated stuff like furniture not good.

Party To Do List

1.  Reserve keg.

2.  Contact fire department.

3.  Request permission from Board for squirrelly parking in front of condo.

4.  Party favors?

5.  Get chimney cleaned ASAP.

6.  Get upstairs toilet fixed ASAP.

Damn, got more work to do than I first thought.

All Request Thursday: Where's the Beef?

AJ wants to know the steakiest thing I ever did during my football playing days.

This might be the first time I've ever wished I didn't play football all 4 years of college.  This could be bad.

The trouble with answering this is that I have so much material to choose from; I may just have to get back to you later.  I've requested assistance from Wife, and she can't seem to pick the steakiest incident, either.  Plenty of steaky incidents, but the steakiest?  Goodness.

One story I just can't publish.  At least in its entirety.  But rest assured, it was not my steakiest moment.  But I can give you the ending (and unfotunately it's not even the best part.)  Anyway, the story ends with me, alone, in Columbus on the campus of The Ohio State University, sleeping on a cardboard Natural Light 12-pack box behind a dumpster across from the football stadium.

Some days I wonder how I'm even still alive.